The Scarecrow Project

BHG New Album... A Sample

2005-10-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

It always sucks refolding the kind of map
Needed when i get stuck where the sun don't shine the fact
Is if i just shut up my rubbered stamp could flag you as dumb

It ain't your mind you're givin' me a piece of
As it don't take einstein to know that's just obscene but
It's been buck rogers' time since i hit other than rock bottom

Even the odds of having you against me
With your crotchless jihad on blue balls evidently
Are all mighty good god so angel dust my soul like james brown

Street leagl whore hauling so much stunning ass
Sell yourself short like bridget at the bunny ranch
Do it all fours the satisfaction of getting fouled

I'm the least you could do
If only life were as easy as you

I'm the least you could do
If only life were as easy as you

I would still get screwed

I don't care if getting under someone that's
Beneath you fits the m.o. of conundrum as
You reckoned this was just a fancy word for rubbers

I aim to get a bang out of working your
Weak spot that sets the bar so low just nerve can score
With no respect since oddly danger feels like pay dirt

I'm the least you could do
If only life were as easy as you

I'm the least you could do
If only life were as easy as you

I'm the least you could do
If only life were as easy as you

If only

When my fumbling breaks you should
I thank your dad for the damaged goods?

When my fumbling breaks you should
I thank your dad for the damaged goods?

When my fumbling breaks you should
I thank your dad for the damaged goods?

When my fumbling breaks you should
I thank your dad for the damaged goods?

a new kind of diet plan

2005-09-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

I'm a big boy. The scale in my bathroom reminds me of this, and so does my doctor. My daughter gets in on it sometimes, too. I wasn't always a big boy. I'm not alone in this predicament, given this pre-packaged, fast-food, i'm outta time American society. I'm very aware of how I got this way and exactly what causes have led to this. I've tried dieting casually and have given a half-hearted effort to exercise.

The truth is, in my case, being overweight does not bother me. If it was something EASY to do, sure, I'd do it, but I'm just not very MOTIVATED. Being thinner isn't enough of an incentive to me. If I was in training for some sporting event or athletic involvement, sure, I'd have an incentive that is beyond simply being thinner. Fitting into smaller clothes? That just doesn't do much for me.

So I've devised a new diet plan. It's incentive based, and it's catered specifically to my weight loss goals and to my motivation factors. It's so simple and so basic, I can't believe that I'm the first one to think of this.

My diet plan is based on a different, more powerful concept than any traditional diet plan. Here's why. Every popular diet plan that has effective, lasting results is pretty much based on the same model of sensible portions and regular exercise. Other means have been attempted, but only with limited results. Those so-called "fad" diets fail because they limit TYPES of food moreso than limiting QUANTITY of food, and rather than stressing the importance of exercise, they SUGGEST exercise while piling on faux-sincere motivation a la Richard Simmons and inspirational posters. These diets come and go, but the simple basic element of effective, permanent weight loss is, was, and always will be built on the core of sensible moderation without dietary exclusion countered with regular exercise. It's a lifestyle that the dieter must accept and remain committed to. Motivation comes from the will of the dieter, not from an external source.

So my diet plan focuses on the basic premise of moderation of consumption without exclusion in addition to regular exercise. In simple terms, stop eating like a cow, you fat fuck, and get off your lard-ass once in a while. But the key to my diet is that we already KNOW what it takes. No cards, no calorie counters. No special meals. No special cookbooks or foods. No special exercise videos. No documented routines. It's simple. DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE DOING.

But how does one actually STICK to this? So far, this is just like what any doctor tells their hefty patients. Eat right. Exercise. I'll tell you how. It's the key to my diet plan. It's the MOTIVATING FACTOR.

It requires a partner. The partner is in on the plan. The partner is someone who is NOT going through the diet with you, because it's too easy for two weak-willed dieters to encourage each other to cheat by approving the other's weakness based on his or her own weakness. The partner needs to have an open mind.

The partner has to be someone with whom you are not sexually involved. The partner has to be someone you find attractive. The partner has to be someone whose brains you would love to fuck right out of his or her skull.

Yes, that's right. Sex.

First, set your goal. How much weight do you want to lose? Say you want to lose 100 pounds. Great! Let's break that down into smaller, easily attainable mini-goals to serve as milestones and reward checkpoints. Break the goal down into 10-12 mini goals. So in this case, every 9 pounds would be a "checkpoint." Next, consult with your partner. Let him or her see your starting point and make sure he or she understands his or her role. Every 9 pounds, and the dieter gets some freaky action from this person he or she is currently NOT fucking. And each "checkpoint" is designed to be more enjoyable than the one before.

At the 9 pounds mark, we're talking a raunchy flashing and a handjob. 18 pounds would be good for a blowjob, and again at 27. By the time 40+ pounds is achieved, a good solid lay would be in order. As the options become limited, be creative. What about somebody who lost 72 of the 100 pounds? How about a good road-head blowjob followed by some hot sweaty ape sex. Sex in a department store dressing room. Blindfolds, scented oils and a feather. The point is to step it up a notch at each level. But it is important to define EXACTLY what each checkpoint earns BEFORE it starts, so the expectations are known on both sides at all times.

Sounds perverted? Depraved? Not really. The system could be applied to anyone using any hot button motivator. But I know every hot blooded American man likes the booty. I, however, see a huge business opportunity here. I'm talking opening up clinics with dietary counsellors and an ultrasupersexyhot motivation staff ready to reward members for their achievement, who don't give a flying fuck about HOW you lost the weight.

It wouldn't be BUYING sex. It'd be paying for a diet plan with meaningful support that I'M SURE will produce results faster than any Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers facility. And rather than be depressed about what foods you cut out or complaining that you're hungry all the time, you're actually HAPPY about it, reminding yourself "no pain, no gain!"

Now THIS is the kind of personal sacrifice I would be willing to make to lose weight, and be motivated and committed to getting results.

drunk part 2

2005-09-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

ok... i've had a wee bit to drink tonight.

round 2...

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

still not quite me, but much closer. this quiz is fucked.

what kind of drunk am i?

2005-09-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

I disagree with this test. Those of you who have seen me drunk will disagree with this test. Maybe I should take it again when I'm actually drunk.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

True Conversations

2005-08-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from a conversation that occurred today at my place of employment. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and because none of y'all would know who the hell they are anyway.

The Cast:

VP Dave: The Vice President of our company; a total ballbuster who thrives on showing you how much more superior he is than you are. NOBODY talks to him unless they have to, and are prepared for demonizing humiliation.

Manager Joe: The Big Manager, responsible for running the show and reporting to VP Dave on a weekly basis.

Peon Paul: Another manager who reports to Manager Joe. Has no contact with VP Dave, and has an unhealthy fear of having ANYTHING to do with him.

The Excerpt:

Manager Joe: I just destroyed my e-mail. I need you to send this week's projection to VP Dave. Send him an e-mail and tell him we're going to be about 20% short of our goal.

Peon Paul: What? Why would I even want to think about going through that? I don't need this kind of stress.

Manager Joe: Just do it. He's all bark and no bite anyway. And it has to be done.

Peon Paul: I'd have to look it up to be sure, but I'm almost positive that a long time ago some dude died for my sins so I'd never have to do this.

Willie Wonka - Spoilers Ahead

2005-07-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

I took my daughter to see the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film today. We both agreed that the original starring Gene Wilder was better.

The movie was good. Tim Burton did a good job sharpening some of the edges of the characters to give it a "darker" feel, but given my high expectations and the reputations of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, I was let down. The new version did an amazing job framing each of the characters, something that the first movie failed horribly to do. In the new movie, Charlie has more personality, shows some emotion, and is morally challenged several times. Tim Burton truly demonstrates a strong kid with a heart of gold. Equally well-defined were the other four kids and their parents. The weaknesses of each of the bratty kids is shown, and in even greater detail each of them is shown making an error of judgment, giving in to his or her respective deadly sin. Willie Wonka even has a backstory. Flashback scenes show Mr. Wonka dealing with his strict father, a well-reputed dentist who forbid candy.

The movie failed in a few areas, though. Augustus's gluttony could have been portrayed a little more in the scene leading up to his demise. The boat ride was not scary at all. The sets looked like something out of every other Tim Burton movie, which was a little distracting at times. And rather than portray Wonka as the evil temptor of small children as was my expectation, Depp came off more as an animated Michael Jackson. Had he gone the route of chanelling Marylin Manson for this role, as the rumor mill had suggested since pre-production (Manson himself was supposed to play the role before Depp auditioned), the sinister beauty of the childrens' demises would have been all the better. Gene Wilder was spookier than Depp. That let me down.

As for the Oompa-loompas, the songs were near impossible to understand; the sound quality was awful. Therefore, the life lessons of which they were singing were somewhat lost. Rather than consistent Oompa-loompa-ish behavior, the new edition has them unable to communicate in english, yet singing all their songs "completely improvised" in english, and mixing in 1970s dance moves. They were creepier in the original version of the film. They were more a running gag in the new version.

Tim Burton did do a good job foreshadowing that he would allow his ego to potentially ruin the movie. In a cut scene toward the begining, Depp is shown portraying Wonka at the Grand Opening of his chocolate factory. The shot shown is a ribbon cutting sceremony filmed with Depp holding an oversized pair of metal scisors in his right hand, and after the cut is made, he turns at an angle so that the hand holding the scisors is slightly pointed in the direction of the camera, making it the focal point of the body shot of Depp. The scissors are held in an open position, completely hiding his hand. The initial reaction is "Look, it's Edward Scissorhands!" The sight gag was so blatant that it would not be lost on anyone who has seen the older Depp movie. And listen closely... isn't that the SAME soundtrack he's used for EVERY frickin' movie he's ever done, save for Batman? Please, Mr. Burton... we know you're a goofy artsy goth-boy, but can you give us an original idea once in a while?

Overall, I think I was overconsumed by the hype and had higher expectations going in than I should have. The movie lived up to all my expectations from opening scene until Depp is first shown leading the children into the factory. At that point, the kids and their parents walk across a vacant snow-covered courtyard and approach the entrance to the factory. Depp's voice is heard across a loudspeaker urging them forward and ordering the gate behind them closed. The doors in front of them slide away to reveal a Disneyesque "It's A Small World" puppet song and dance number, which goes horribly wrong. The audio warps, the set catches fire, and the puppets burn and melt disturbingly. One could make the case that Burton was using some artistig imagery to say that the kids were being led into Hell where they would meet the human incarnation of the Devil, which was how the movie was hyped, as I said before, in pre-production. Then Depp shows up, and right away it seems like the Neverland Ranch than even a mild Purgatory.

Is the movie good? Sure. Should you go see it? I think so. But leave your expectations at the door; surely, you'll be let down if you were enchanted by the original and therefore followed this film from begining to box office.

quiz time

2005-07-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

Why do all bloggers like these damn quizzes?

You're a Komodo Dragon!

While many people like to talk about running off to be the vicious
dictator of a small distant island, you feel you have more potential to follow
through on this plan than anyone. Big, strong, muscular, and a teensy bit
vindictive, you feel you could overpower anyone who tried to question your
authority. When not taking over the world, island by island, you enjoy sunning
yourself on the beach. You have an absurdly long tongue.

Take the Animal Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

A Quiz

2005-07-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

I took a quiz I found on Mary's blog that looked interesting. I'm a book.

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips
with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue,
but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard
time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant
anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Movie Reviews

2005-07-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

I've got a reputation for being way behind the times when it comes to keeping current on the movies. This year I've done better with new releases, being that several flicks hit the theatres this year that I've really wanted to see. Over the course of the last 2 weeks, I watched 4 movies I'd never seen before, and below are my thoughts.

It starts with a trip to the store. I was specifically looking for Fargo because first of all, I'm weird, and secondly because I'd never seen it before and had heard offbeat praise for it since its release. I found it for $5. Such a bargain, I figured I'd pick up another DVD if it happened to catch my eye. As I strolled down the aisle a little further I found Friday Night Lights for $20 and figured that since I saved so much on Fargo I could go ahead and buy this one at full price. The box said nothing about the plot, but I remember it getting big reviews when it came out, so what the hell. I grabbed it. I decided this was enough, and I'd check out and go home. At the end of the aisle, a change of plans came to be when I saw a two-movie package of Friday Night Lights and 8 Mile for $20. I've wanted to see 8 Mile for some time now, and at this price, how could I pass it up? I collected my bounty and proceeded to get the hell out of the store before I found anything else. Mission accomplished.

First I watched Friday Night Lights with Billy Bob Thornton. It was a story about a Texas high school football team. The star player gets injured, the quarterback is reluctant to live up to the high expectations, one of the players is a delinquent with criminal tendencies, and the whole town worships the team. Everywhere they go, they get free stuff and special treatment. They're treated like rock stars. The movie ends at the conclusion of a big game at the end of the season, and a one or two sentence summary is given about each of the key players and what they went on to do with their lives. Sounds like Varsity Blues just a bit, yes? Well the reason the back of the movie said nothing about the plot is because there was none. It played like a goddamn documentary. No plot. No conflict. No resolution. Just a bunch of shots of football players kicking each others' asses on the field. Varsity Blues was better, even if it did have that Dawson dude in it.

Next I threw in 8 Mile featuring Eminem in his acting debut. I figured this had to be better than the stupid-ass football flick. All the reviews said that Eminem gave a solid performance. I'm a fan of his music (guilty pleasure alert), and I expected this flick to be really good. I had seen the bootleg internet-distribution of the final "battle" scene, and it was outstanding. It had me wanting more. Wanting. That's what I was when this flick was over. Still wanting. Wanting to know who the dumbass was to declared "Eminem can act!" Wanting to know "why does this plot suck so bad?" Wanting to know "Can I get my money back?" The movie was loosely based on Eminem's life, so I at least expect that he can ACT LIKE HIMSELF in front of a camera. He just plays a brooding punk-ass kid with do-nothing friends. Not so much a plot, just a bunch of goofballs running around the "bad" side of town for 2 hours of film, and Eminem talking shit about how he's gonna make it. Finally at the end he performs, and that's the ONLY time he performs in the whole movie: the scene I'd already seen at home in grainy bootleg format. You want a better flick? Buy his first album and listen to it with your eyes closed. It's the same story, just more entertaining because SHIT ACTULLY HAPPENS ON THE ALBUM, not just a bunch of dufuses running around town after dark. Hell, my OWN life story, if written properly and filmed, would have been more entertaining that this steaming pile of canine excrement.

I waited a couple days before popping Fargo into my DVD player. The movie was dry, slow-paced, and oddly predictable. I laughed my ass off. The over-the-top northern accents, conversations, mannerisms, and geography were more stereotypical of Canadian border-dwellers than Dave Chappelle is of Harlem crack dealers. It wasn't intended to be a comedy, but the ongoing screwups in a crappy crime caper kept the mood light. The darkness came as each consequence to the screwups unfolded. I don't want to spoil it, but let's just say that one of the hired criminals gets put through a wood chipper. The remains were splattered across a snowbank. Not comedy material, but as the man stuffing him into the chipper struggles with a leg and tries to beat it into the machine with a log in a semi-comedic fashion, he is discovered by a small town female pregnant cop without backup who seems completely unphased by what she just walked upon. For $5, Fargo definitely put me at ease about how much I had just spent on shitty movies.

Today I actually ventured outside my dwelling to actually watch a movie in a real movie theatre! Yes, yours truly ventured out into the sunlight in the heat of summer, fought with traffic, and forked out eight bucks to sit in an uncomfortable seat, eat an overcooked pretzel, suck down a watered down overiced overpriced Pepsi while watching a movie BEFORE it hit the video stores. I finally caught Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. After the show, I came out of the theatre feeling pretty much as I expected. I knew about the hype and the complaints, and expected that both were overstated. The loyalest of loyal fans had plenty to love and cheer about. The critical fans had plenty of material to rip apart as being stupid and blasphemous to the Star Wars universe. The Wookie-lover in us all had his fill of combat-loving furballs. My personal take on the movie, I'm sure, was a little different than most, though. Just like everyone else who grew up on Star Wars flicks, I could feel the wheels turning in my head as piece by piece of the timeline fell into place, and relationships were established and explained. The details were filled in. The story all made sense.

My conclusion? Women are evil bitches.

Seriously. Anakin would have been just fine and gone on to fulfill the Jedi prophecy if only he wasn't a little pussywhipped Bitch-Boy. Padme was there the moment Anakin was introduced in the first movie, before he had hormones. He was an innocent boy living in a harsh world. All he wanted was to live a better life and help his mother, and he found that way out by becoming a Jedi. Sure, Dude had a troubled past, and he showed some signs of going to the Dark Side, but he was actively fighting his weaknesses and getting better. Consider the scene in Episode 2 where he kills off the Sand People for killing off his mother. In Episode 3 he didn't want to kill Count Duku because he knew that killing an unarmed man was against the Jedi way, and acting out of vengeance was forbidden. He'd matured and learned his lesson. He was shaping up to be a fine Jedi Knight, that is, until The Bitch got her claws into him. She was a cocktease in Episode 2 and mindfucked him into stepping off the path of the Jedi to fall in love, get married, and develop human attachment. She sucked him into a world of politcs way beyond his responsibility to the agenda of the Jedi Council. If she had minded her own business and kept her legs together, he could have focused on his Jedi training. He wouldn't have been so defiant. He wouldn't have gotten married. He wouldn't have gotten her knocked up. His mind was so pliable to the Chancellor because he was having nightmares about his 'ho croaking during childbirth, and rather than resort to his Jedi teachings of "Death is a natural transition" he went all Benedict Arnold on the Council and hooked up with the Dark Side solely for the purpose of finding a cure for his woman! If his head was in the game of being a peace-loving ass-kicker with a nifty flashlight sword, he would have stayed the course. Seriously. Look at the plot twist where he changed sides. He was prepared to arrest the Chancellor himself when he found out he was a fucking Sith Lord. He did the right thing of going to the Jedi Council. He had it straight in his head that the Jedi were the good guys. He even went to assist in the arrest. He tried to persuade Mace Windu to let him live so he could face trial, rather than go against the Jedi Way and kill the dude on the spot. Anakin was a riteous mother fucker. But Chancellor played the "I can save your bitch" card, and that was all she wrote.

And what happened? She TURNED on his riteous ass in their last scene together, selling his ass out to Obi-wan and what was left of the Council, causing him to get his ass kicked, tossed into a river of molten lava, cut up into a triple amputee. All because of a manipulative bitch. Of course the dude's pissed off!!! It was all pretty clear to me. Anakin got a boner in the first movie. Episode 2 she totally fucked with his head and made him more loyal to her than to his Jedi training. Episode 3 he flipped. Episodes 4 through 6 are nothing more than the entire galaxy cleaning up the aftermath of this chick getting the best of him and fucking him over. If you take Padme out of the storyline and let Anakin progress through all of George Lucas's plot devices WITHOUT all the relationship bullshit, there would be no Episodes 4-6. Anakin, Obi-wan, Yoda, and Samuel L. Jackson could have just arrested the Chancelor, ousted him as a Sith Lord, and had a happy ending after 3 movies.

But NO! All this drama for a piece of ass. Darth Vader's not a bad cat. He's just a pissed off dude dealing with life. I say again. Women are evil bitches.

Hey You

2005-06-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles
Can you feel me?
Hey you, don’t help them to bury the light
Don’t give in without a fight.

Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
Hey you, with you ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I’m coming home.

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high,
As you can see.
No matter how he tried,
He could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what you’re told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don’t tell me there’s no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.

-pink floyd, "hey you"

FUCK G4

2005-05-23T14:44:00.000-07:00

That's right. Fuck the fucking fuckers. G4 is a piss-ant cable TV channel that ruined tech programming for us technophiles. They suck balls, man. The great big furry ones.

They bought out Tech TV, a progressive, insightful, and FUN network based in San Francisco under the guise if integrating the best of Tech TV with the best of G4. They were competitors. For those of us who watched Tech TV, the cast & crew of ALL the shows were like extended family. They showed off all the newest technology in computing and personal electronics. They showed hacks and cracks the manufacturers didn't want you to know about. They showed video game previews. They talked to computer users of ALL levels, dammit, they rocked!!!

G4, after completing the deal, released a memo to all the Tech TV staffers (including personalities) that their contracts were terminated, and they could re-apply for their jobs through G4 under a new contract. Most of them did.

After re-signing the contracts, they announced they were closing the San Francisco studio and moving all operations to Los Angeles. Anyone under contract who refused to relocate was fired, and since it was a new contract and it was terminated as a result of the signers' refusals to relocate, they were not compensated.

After trimming staff through relocation, they decided to cancel some of the shows. They fired some more people and restaffed the Tech TV shows with G4 personalities. It bombed.

Ultimately, only Kevin Rose was left, known also for his underground webseries THE BROKEN, on which he demonstrates reverse engineering, hacking, and social engineering. G4 put a stop to his work on the BROKEN show.

A release was put out today that Kevin finally got G4 to release him from his contract. He will now be working FULL TIME on 2 shows (distributed by web for now). First, he'll be working THE BROKEN. Same shit as before, now more of it and with regularity. Also he's putting a show together called SYSTM featuring all the Tech TV names us geeks worshipped.

So FUCK THE FUCKING FUCKERS. G4 can get back to sucking our balls.

A Thought

2005-05-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman, the dude who wrote the "Sandman" comics. Awesome book.

In it, there is a scene where the main character, Shadow, is performing a ritual to honor a fallen god. The basic idea is that he is tied to a tree naked for 9 days with no food or water, presumably to die. Gaiman does a good job writing the details of this scene, describing halucinations and moments of lucidity while Shadow can't tell which is which. He goes into detail describing the different kinds of pain Shadow experiences. He describes at lentght Shadow's hunger and thirst, and his slow spiral into madness.

This time when I read it, though, I had a twisted thought reminiscent of Randall from "Clerks" explaining that "Empire Strikes Back" bothered him the first time he watched it and he didn't know why. My thought is this: while Shadow was tied to that tree for 9 days, where did he go to the bathroom?

A Quiz.... how perverted are you?

2005-04-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

a quote from Steve Martin

2005-02-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Foreshadowing

2005-02-14T20:57:00.000-08:00

Summer, 2003.....

Back What???

2005-01-25T21:23:00.000-08:00

This is too funny.

Back That Ass Up

23 days with no Effexor, some thoughts

2005-01-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

I'm having mixed feelings about being med-free. On one side, I'm back to being sarcastic, assertive, asshole-of-the-year me again, which is cool. I've got energy, which is cool. By and large I've been pretty symptom-free of the withdrawal elements since around the 15th. In short, I've physically managed to make the transition.

The other side, though, is that since the promotion at work, the stress levels are much higher. My ability to think CLEARLY is lower now that I'm off the meds, and the combiation of the two makes me easily frustrated. I'm fast to just snap at someone rather than make an intelligent, calculated negotiation. I feel like I'm losing some of my "game."

Also, the last few days I've felt like I have been in hell all over again. All weekend long I've been overemotional and understimulated. I've felt the sort of depression I would get when I had too much free time on my hands, and I was dwelling on pains that I had thought were long gone. I don't know how else to describe it, but to say that I actually HURT this weekend in wasy I had not hurt in a long time, and it felt really bad to be in those places again.

As I write this, I feel okay. I have spent all day distracting myself by cleaning the apartment. I mean REALLY cleaning, like vacuuming behind all the furniture, washing baseboards, mopping, rearranging furniture, disassembling my bedframe and reassembling it because it looked funny, cleaning out my closets, dusting, reorganizing all my computer CD ROMS.... I got a lot done today. But it's pretty clear to me that something's wrong. I think I need to stay on the meds so that I can focus, stay off the emotional rollercoaster, and retain the ability to function somewhat normally.

Additionally, I need to start spending more time on me, pursuing hobbies that I had otherwise let go due to lack of time or money, or because of an overbearing wife that thought it wasn't important to be supportive. Much has changed in the last 3-5 years, and I have yet to take advantage if that. I have more time in the sense that I sleep less, and although I work my ass off I still have a lot of free time on alternating weekends and a few free hours during the week for myself. Since 2001 when this all started I have been promoted 3 times and am now in a financial state that allows me to be frivolous.

So I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about how I should use these factors to improve myself and my environment. For the last month I'd been considering building / buying a new computer and giving this one to Kylie. Instead, I'm going to upgrade and then buy her a computer. I'll get myself one another time. I've already found 2 matching computer workstations that are awesome. They're modular, attach to one another, and when assembled still take up about the same amount of space as the desk I use now. I'm going to join a 24-hour gym that is on my way home from work. I'll just go 3 nights a week for about an hour until I feel the urge to increase. I'll start off slow then increase as I start to see results. I have a lot of weight to lose to get back into athletic shape like I used to be in. The long-term goal is to find a 30+ inline hockey club in the area. And as for instant gratifications? I think I'm going to start taking guitar lessons. I have always wanted to learn how to play the guitar, and I used to play music all the friggin' time when I was younger. I was actually quite good, too, with the trumpet. I can't think of a time when I DIDN'T want to play the guitar. I had almost started a couple times, too, when I was married, but for whatever reason I chose not to.

I know it's important not to get ahead of myself, though. I still have a lot of personal responsibility to my daughter, my family, my friends, and my job. But it's also time for a little "carpe diem" baby.

Last night's fucked up dream

2005-01-18T07:27:00.000-08:00

Last night the dream was pretty basic. I was hired by Bill Gates to build a diarama of a river basin using nothing but construction paper, crayons, and Play-Doh. It had to be 3 feet wide and 6 feet long. THe construction location was backstage at a convention where he was going to unveil "Windows for Macintosh." Bill didn't like the results I was getting, so he got involved and started nitpicking EVERYTHING. He was getting in the way. He started making insane and unachievable demands on the project. He was becoming an overbearing little bitch-boy.

When I had hit critical mass, a camera crew came backstage to film a live feed to broadcast on the convention floor. Once the camera started rolling, I jumped next to Bill and grabbed the microphone and explained, "You know, Bill.... you would be so much more tollerable if you would just go out and get laid ONE TIME. That's it. Just once, and all that pent up tension you take out on everyone would just go away. Seriously... go find a girl."

And then I woke up.

NFL playoffs predictions

2005-01-03T20:53:00.000-08:00

Since my Fantasy Football league is over and there's no hockey this year, I'm stuck actually finding interest in the NFL playoffs. So here are my picks (flame on when I'm wrong... go ahead... I got a spreadsheet that can calculate all your personality flaws within six decimal places).

Game 1: St. Louis Rams (8-8) at Seattle Seahawks (9-7): This should be the Battle of Who Gives A Fuck. Both teams played like shit this year, and neither deserves a shot at the playoffs. Unfortunately, they are both in the same shitty division of all losing teams except for these two, so they get the nod. Whooptie-fucking-doo. My pick is St. Louis beating Seattle, as two of the wins for St. Louis and two of the losses for Seattle are from the Rams whooping Seattle's collective asses earlier this season. And St. Louis DID manage to beat a good team last week. Seattle still sucks balls.

Game 2: New York Jets (10-6) at San Diego Chargers (12-4): Here's a real football game. The Jets are much better than the 10-6 record shows, but the hard reality is that the bulk of those losses are very recent. The last half of the season, they just weren't as tough. And last week? They lost to the Rams. They'll play on the road against an even tougher, and more importantly, more consistent San Diego team who did NOT lose to the Rams this year. I'm calling SD to win.

Game 3: Denver Broncos (10-6) at Indianapolis Colts (12-4): Peyton Manning is unstoppable this year. Put him in front of a home crowd against a team he slaughtered 41-10 earlier this year, and it's a no-brainer. I mean seriously... this is gonna be fucking embarrasing for Denver.

Game 4: Minnesota Vikings (8-8) at Green Bay (10-6): Minnesota had a good season last year. They had a good showing this year, then fell on their faces during the middle and second half. Green Bay has Brett Favre, who I believe is actually Superman or some shit. No kidding. Every year he has some life-threatening injury, amputates a limb, has half his family get overrun by some exotic disease, then goes into Lambeau field and fucking WINS. The cheeseheads get this one.

New Year, No Meds

2005-01-01T08:23:00.000-08:00

I took the last of my effexor yesterday morning. My body probably won't notice for another 2-3 days, but I'm remaining optimistic.

Fucked up dream

2004-12-30T21:09:00.000-08:00

I have some doozies. Here's the one from last night...

I was walking through the town where I spent my teenage years back to the house I used to live in. When I got there, my mom was in the process of completely remodelling the place in the most bizarre fashion. Something like 4 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms, stuff way out of proportion, color schemes that were bizarre... just strange shit. It was confusing, and Mom was being really bitchy so I left. My car, a 1979 blue Chevette, wasn't working, so I walked. Not sure where I was going, but I took a shortcut right through the middle of an outdoor funeral. I met a chick there, and we starte making out, right in front of her family. We spend maybe one day together, then agree to meet up the next day to go out.

The date consists of the following... I would fly to her house in my helicopter. Her house was near the location of the outdoor funeral. We'd then hop a plane to go spend the afternoon on a theme-park island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean between Hawaii and Japan. So as I was getting ready to board my helicopter, one of the big bosses from work shows up and asks me where I'm going. I tell him, and he informs me that the chick is his neice, and that she was bad news and I should stay away.

I pay him lip service, saying I'd avoid his neice. Then I hopped the chopper and took off. I got there early, so spent time hanging with the chick's mom, and she starts hitting on me. I was both aroused and creeped-out at the same time. Then the boss-dude shows up and suggests I should leave.

I do leave, but only to kill some more time. So I hop back in the chopper and fly off to get a pedicure. As I'm getting my toenails filed, my mom shows up with more pics of the crimes against architecture she had committed while remodelling, and she was proud of herself. All I could think of was how much I dreaded going back there.

So I finish up and leave, fly back to meet up with the chick, and we fly off to the island as planned, a trip that takes maybe 5 minutes tops.

And then I woke up.

Promoted

2004-12-17T11:37:00.000-08:00

After months of proving myself and dealing with internal office politics, I finally got the nod today. Just before I left for the day, I got called into a meeting and signed the papers. I begin my new responsibilities tomorrow, and go onto my new payroll schedule starting on December 27th. My new ID badge, e-mail accounts, and credentials are being updated as we speak.

My replacement was promoted (prematurely, I believe) two days ago, presumably to work alongside me for a while, and not necessarily as a replacement. She'll be fine after she gets some experience. I picked her for the promotion personally, so I'm happy. And now she'll be working for me still, only in a higher-octane capacity.

So after much work, I am finally where I have been trying to get. Kick Ass!!!

Product Packaging

2004-12-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

Ever read product labels? Usually I don't, but today I read one that made me laugh. I'm talking about Angel Soft bath tissue. Now, we all know what the stuff is used for. Keep this in mind and try to keep a straight face as you read the following...

First off, the company actually has a registered trademark on this line. It appears on the back of the package in large letters. It reads

Comfort where you want it.

And finally, just below that is the following line....

Soft...but not too soft with an extra layer to get the job done.

Check This Shit Out

2004-11-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

I just came across this... How insensitive have we become as a society?

JFK Reloaded

This is a video game where you play the role of a sniper in the book depository in Dallas Texas as JFK's motorcade rolls by. The object of the game? Assasinate JFK and thus prove the single gunman theory as accurate.

This is just fucked up, folks. Like him or hate him, he's a national icon, a former president, and he has living relatives who knew him. This is wrong on so many levels. As much as a sick fuck as I am, I for one will not be playing this.

Costume Contest

2004-10-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

We had our costume contest at work today. About 20 or so people participated, and the voting was done by popular applause. My Island Girl contest netted me 3rd place. 2nd Place was someone dressed as a priest, and first went to a lady who works for me who came in dressed as a witch with full theatrical makeup and prosthetic face pieces. It looked awesome!

After the contest, I still had an hour to work, so I took off my costume but left the makeup on. I looked like a drag queen with a hangover. Ugh. The makeup was on VERY heavy, and I'm glad to get it off. I don't know how chicks can handle wearing all that crap every day.

82 Pills and 51 Days to Go

2004-10-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

Just woke up from another of the super-vivid dreams. I'm having them pretty much every night. They aren't nigtmares very often, although when I do have one, the result bothers me for the rest of the day. I have a little trouble falling asleep some nights, but most nights I can just go to bed and read for 10 minutes and I'm out. That's good. And I wake up without an alarm clock, which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time. Also good.

But now I'm getting moody. The mood swings are starting to come out at work, and I'm being more aggressive dealing with people on the phone than I otherwise would be. My manager had to come behindme and close 2 deals yesterday that I was on the verge of blowing, so I pulled him aside and explained what's going on. He laughed and said he hadn't noticed anything different, and figured I was just keyed up a little because it's closeout at work. Maybe.

The part that's bothering me the most, though, is that I'm more alert now when at home. I used to be alert at work, and as soon as I got home I was ready to sleep, or at least unwind then go to sleep, and I'd wake up with just enough time to get ready for work again. Yeah, I'm a workaholic. But with this more normal sleep thing going on, I've got a little more quiet time by myself. That void gets filled by thinking about stuff, things that I don't want to think about. Things that happened in the past that I thought I was over. Yeah, I'm over it, but I'm having a little regret or sadness once in a while now. Don't misunderstand this. I don't want to go back and change anything, and I'm not interested in Sharon at all. But I'm having flashbacks to how I felt when I was going through all that the first time around. Then when I think about how I distracted myself from the things that were bothering me before. I was going to school full time, working full time, and dealing with a 75 mile commute one way. Workaholic. Now I live 5 minutes from work and that's all I do. Suddently I have the urge to fight even harder for a promotion to a salaried position that requires me to work 50-60 hours a week, or go pick up a class or two at the local community college.

I just don't know what to do with free time anymore!!! There are worse problems to have, I'm sure. Once closeout is over and I've adjusted to the most recent drop in my meds and my moods stabilize again, this will be a moot point. I'll adjust to the gaps in my schedule and appreciate the extra time so that I can pursue hobbies, spend more time with Kylie, and chase loose women. The stuff is just fucking with my perception.

And another note.... remember back about 2 months or so? I attempted to post something right after I woke up and couldn't string a coherent sentence together? I JUST woke up less than 5 minutes before I started posting this. That in and of itself is a huge difference.

An E-Mail I Received

2004-10-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

I'm an Atheist. Don't misunderstand. That means that I believe in no god, not that I believe in the absence of religion. I support religion, and appreciate very much those who have guiding principles in their lives and act accordingly. There are many religions in our world, though, and for them to coexist peacefully we all have to accept that there are those different than us, who believe different things, and are no more right or wrong than we are.

That being said, I offer this email I received regarding religion and government. Regardless of what you believe, it should at least be entertaining. I know I've felt this way since my first civics class in junior high. It was refreshing to see it come across from somewhere else. I think it's a little shortsighted and simplistic, and I don't actually support all the changes that are suggested, but I think the point is still made. Enjoy.

====================================================================

So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it.

And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

And since they already have prohibited any prayer in the schools, on which they deem their authority, then so be it.

I say, "So be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.

I say, "So be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the American Publics' best interests at heart.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot Post His Commandments in Government buildings,

I don't believe the Government and it's employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving and Easter.

After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter.

It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct."

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

Island Girl Idea Gone Wild

2004-10-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

I told a couple people at work about my costume idea. And I guess they told a couple more, and so on, and so on. People have been approaching me asking what I'm wearing for Halloween, a question that the last 2 years I didn't hear much at all at work. So now it's gone a step further. Tara (Ellie's replacement, and a total babe) has INSISTED that I allow her to put makeup on me (as part of the costume, you sick pricks). So what the hell. Why not.

I hope I'm giving someone nightmares. If not, just wait for the pictures.

Halloween Costume

2004-10-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

Picked up my Halloween costume today. We're having a costume contest at work, and for the past two years I haven't participated. I figure I've been there long enough now to subject myself to a little humility.

I'm wearing a grass skirt, coconut bra, and long blonde wig (for my costume, not as I type this, you goober). Picture me as an island girl. Now try to sleep at night.

Day 14

2004-10-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

So far, so good. I drop my dose for the second time tomorrow. I feel fine. I'm finding that I still have trouble either falling asleep or staying asleep. I wake up much easier in the morning, though. The dreams are still a little odd. I have more energy throughout the day as well.

Withdrawal, Day 5

2004-09-30T20:28:00.000-07:00

Well I wasn't sure what to expect exactly. Because it is such a small reduction in my meds, I figured I wouldn't feel anything until maybe the middle of week two at the earliest. My doctor said to expect some flu-like symptoms and some tingling on my skin. I've got both, as well as headaches, brain-shivers, and nightmares. Not too bad. Mostly in the evening it's worse, and I'm having trouble staying asleep at night. I wake up several times.

I think keeping a record of this will be helpful for myself as well as morbidly entertaining to others, so here it all is.

All I can say is that I hope it doesn't get too much worse than this, or I'll start to lose a little functionality. The constant discomfort makes me a little less tolerant, but not too bad. This week was closeout week at work, admittedly the worst week to start trying to quit my meds. The stress levels were more intense this month due to all the changes, the new hires we added (and subsequent lack of overall experience in our department), and the cumulative effect of spending more time training people and less time collecting money. Give me a few days, and I think I'll be fine.

Okay, I'm being optimistic, but what else can I be right now?

Don't Drink and Blog

2004-09-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

This is just a quick post. I actually cant think of a goddamn thing to write, but I'm bored out of my fucking mind, nobody's online, it's too late to bullshit on the phone, and I've been drinking. So la-di-friggin-da.

I've always had problems with insomnia, and thusly I have learned not to drink anything with caffeine after, say, 5:00 pm. I've been sucking down caffeine all day for a variety of reasons, most of which revolve around having to be up at the butt-crack of dawn the last couple days and having to keep up with my daughter this weekend. (I love the girl to death, but really, is 6:00 am appropriate for a sunday morning???)

So as a result of my massive intake of caffeine, I'm unable to sleep. And now I'm one full bottle of Stagswood Red wine after my last dose of caffeine, and am thusly drunk AND wired. Can't fucking sleep, and can't walk straight either. And did I mention bored???

Anyway, gonna try to make my happy ass go to sleep now, since this week is the "closeout" week at work, and I'm not allowed to show any signs of a hangover.

The Final Post About Work

2004-09-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, last post about work until something major or noteworthy happens.

Got all the test results back that were pending for my promotion. Hadn't heard anything for about a week, so I invited myself into the director's office for a chat. I asked if he had looked over my results yet, and if ss, what did he think of them? He pulled a friggin' 15 page report out of his desk and said "here they are" and proceeded to read me the juicy bits.

He read some good, some bad, and some ugly. Afterwards, I asked "is this the end of the process, and am I out of the running, or is this the start of something new for me?"

He explained that the model we are going to be using 3 collections managers in our department. This decision was made before they even approaced me, and they interviewed and started the hiring process of one the same day that the decision to fire Toni was made. They started interviewing and testing me with the plan to promote me immediately if this other guy didn't work out or turned down the job, otherwise I'll be the next guy moving up, and will be already trained, tested, interviewed, and approved to hit the ground running.

That's where I'm at now. Dave just started with us last week (yeah, he had to go through about 6 weeks of bullshit, too). So far he's working out really well. He's an amazing guy to work with, and we're lucky to have him. He comes to us with 10 years experience, and a strong reputation in the industry. I'm much happier working for him than I was with Toni. My test results showed exactly what they wanted to see. We're bringing on 3 new clents by the end of the year, the first of which starts here in about a week. We'll be hiring and training a whole new crew of people to grow our department by about 40%. As soon as they come out of training, they're mine, and I move up.

The plan is definite. The course is set. All is good. So there you go.

Effexor XR

2004-09-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

Since fall of 2001, I have been taking Effexor XR antidepressant capsules. Before I go any further, let me just say that Effexor has been a life-saver. It helped me to get through the toughest experience I've ever had to go through as an adult, helped me to focus to get through school during the same period of time, helped me to succeed at my job, and helped me to earn 3 promotions in the last 2 1/2 years.

No, it is not a miracle drug. I also had the assistance of a therapist and infinite amounts of support, understanding, patience, and love from my family and friends. I also worked my ass off. But for those who haven't had to deal with it, Depression is very real. at the root of it is a chemical imbalance in the CNS. My doctors and I have determined that I have probably always had this imbalance, but on a manageable level. When coupled with the stresses that I went through, it caused what was called "Major Depressive Disorder." I don't blame the illness. But I acknowledge that it was there.

In a nutshell, the chemical explanation for what happens in people who are experiencing clinical depression is this: Chemicals the central nervous system uses to communicate with other parts of the central nervous system aren't being delivered properly. The synapses (spaces between the neurons) send signals using chemicals much like a computer network uses voltage. When the chemical is passed through the synapses, it either doesn't reach the destination or it fails to remain at the destination long enough to deliver the message. Antidepressants help to bridge the synapses for certain chemicals, allowing unhindered travel of the chemicals needed. Effexor assists with two specific chemicals. Effexor XR (the version I take) is a time-release capsule that is very fast acting, and metabolizes out of the system rapidly.

Dosage for Effexor starts slow, and is increased over time to the ideal dosage for the patient. Dosage starts at 37.5 mg a day for one week, then increases to 75 mg a day. Dosages are increased 75 mg every 4 to 7 days until optimum dosage is reached. Typical dosages range from 75 mg to 225 mg daily. In some cases, as much as 375 mg is administered. I take 300 mg each day.

The other side of the tapering method of administration is that should the patient no longer need the drug, he must taper down slowly at increments of 75 mg a day each week. This is very important, as I have learned during my time taking the medication.

On the few occasions when I have forgotten doses either consecutively or frequently during the same week, I have experienced some of the withdrawal symptoms. They have included irritability, joint aches, nightmares, ringing in the ears, "brain shivers" (kinda like a sinus headache without the congestion), and rapidly onset depression. In fact, the withdrawal is worse than the depression itself. I've read up on Efexxor withdrawal, and many others agree. The withdrawal sucks.

So why am I rambling on about this stuff?

I just visited my doctor, and we have decided that we are going to try to taper me off of Effexor. We don't think that I need it anymore. This is a happy thing for me, as I am tired of all the side effects that go along with being on the drug, and I hate having to remember to take my meds all the time.

Starting Sunday I will be decreasing my dosages little by little each week until I take my final dose of 37.5 mg on December 18th. The chemical should be completely out of my system when I wake up on December 23rd.

I've read some horror stories from people who experienced the withdrawal symptoms all over again each reduction. This has caused me a little anxiety, but I'm trying to remain optimistic. However, if I seem like I'm cranky, irritable, or otherwise not enterely like myself, there may be a good reason. Every 2 weeks for the next 3 months will be a whole new adjustment. Be patient with me, but feel free to tell me I'm being an asshole. I'll probably appreciate the remark; it's proof-positive that I'm back to being me again.

Long Time, No Write

2004-09-17T05:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't been keeping up on this like I had planned, but mostly that's been intentional. Work is the focus of my existence right now, as Toni was finally fired. I'm somewhere in between my job and hers now, and I'm being watched constantly, being evaluated intensely.

They tested me for the position (written exam, along with a whole host of other shit I won't even get into now), and seems likely that I'll get it, but I don't want to speak too soon.

Kylie starts pre-school on Monday. She'll also be doing gymnastics this fall. So cool. When I had her during the time of the Olympics this summer, she didn't want to go outside to play or do any of the usual things she typically wants to do. She would plop herself down in front of the TV and watch the gymnastics competition. Even this weekend, she asked if we could watch gymnastics, and I had to explain that the Olympics are now over.

Dustin and Maria had the twins. Two beautiful little girls, completely healthy. Their names are Menina Elizabeth and Alyssa Renee. Also known as "baby A and baby B." I went over there with Kylie this past weekend and saw the babies. Kylie and I fed Alyssa. Too cool.

Alright, gotta go to work, so enough for now. Hopefully this whole promotion thing will be done one way or another soon so I can move on and life will resemble something close to normal again (whatever that is).

Conversation with a 3-year-old girl

2004-08-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

My daughter was playing with her dollhouse today. The thing is decorated in 1950s fashion, and the people look like something out of Leave it to Beaver. She was determined to put every item and person in the room appropriate for them. A place for everything, and everything in its place.

The following is a conversation I had with her while trying to figure out which room to stage each person.

Kylie: Which room does the mom go in?
Me: The kitchen, if she knows what's good for her.
Kylie: I think i'm gonna put her in the bedroom.
Me: Even better. Wish I would've thought of that.

From the mouths of babes...

Charlie, Get Fucked

2004-08-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

I have a message for Hurricane Charlie out on the east coast.... "GO FUCK YOURSELF. LEAVE NOW. YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF."

I feel better now.

Y'all are probably tired of hearing me bitch about work. Tough shit. Get your own blog. See, Hurricane Charlie is costing me money right now. The bulk of the business I'm working right now is on the east coast, specifically in the Carolinas and Florida. I'm not talking a couple hundred dollars. I mean a handful of accounts representing tens of thousands of dollars, making for my entire budget this month. GRRRRR!!!!!! And now, I can't get those fuckers on the phone, save for one dimwit who explained that the hurricane was supposed to top off where he lived at about 2:00 today, and would get back to me Monday.

Can't mother nature be a little bit more considerate?

I was trippin' balls

2004-08-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

I went to the movie theatre. For those who know me, this is a rare feat.

I saw "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" and I laughed my ass off.

Not a classic stoner comedy, but plenty of stoner humor. Not a gut-busting laughter comedy with perfect setups like most mainstream cinema, but more humorous in a National Lampoon meets Mallrats kind of way.

The highlight for me was Neil Patrick Harris (yes, Doogie Howser, MD) playing himself stoned. Harris is one of those 80's actors that fell into oblivion. When I was informed that Harris was in the movie, I only recognized the name because I remember a Jay and Silent Bob comic book where the two mischeivous stoners meet up with the Doogmeister on a porno shoot. That kind of exposure definitely makes a name stick.

Horoscope

2004-08-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

Interesting news in my horoscope today. Things are afoot at work again, and I believe with a sense of finality this time. And then my horoscope today said the following:

"According to the grapevine, you're about to be made aware that

something you've always wanted just might be available. Take it slow, until

you're sure the rumor is true."

Comments Welcome!

2004-08-08T14:04:00.000-07:00

I just realized that this damn blog was default-set to allow comments from registered users only. I thought that I changed that in the beginning, but aparently I didn't. So now it should work. If it doesn't, e-mail me and I'll fix it again.

Show Me State Drivers

2004-08-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

"There's a reason they call Missouri the 'Show Me State,'" I remember hearing growing up, "because you gotta show 'em how to do EVERYTHING."

This is usually remarked when discussing Missouri drivers on the highway. As a transplant from Illinois with much experience driving on highways everywhere in the midwest now living in Missouri, I feel confident in making an informed assessment of the driving aptitude of my fellow Missourians.

Missouri drivers.... you all are a bunch of god-damned douche bags.

There is an interesting phenomenon when driving in Missouri on the highways. Allow me to explain. In St. Louis (within the city), drivers are rather skilled, and very agressive. If you live in an area where "road rage" is something you've just heard about but not experienced beyond someone in the suburbs flipping you the bird, come take a trip through the City on I-70 at 4:30. I dare you. When you get beyond the St. Louis region and onto the more scenic byways through the state, it's all 2-lane each way, and you can drive faster than all hell and not have a thing to worry about. Slow traffic KNOWS to keep their bitch-asses in the right lane along with all the big trucks and the old people who leave their turn signals on for 25 miles at a time.

I worked for a few years driving all over the midwest, and I spent a lot of time going through Missouri. You name it, if it's a town in Missouri, I've been there. Springfield. Sedalia. Columbia. Booneville. St. Joseph. Raytown. Kansas City. Joplin. Cape Girardeau. The Boot-heel. Independence. Hannibal. Been there, done that. I've learned the little nuances of driving in different regions of the state. For example, if you drive through Jackson on I-55, drive the speed limit. Not one mile per hour over it. But when you're 5 or more miles away, you can safely do 90+ and never get stopped. Or even better, if you're like me, you've learned rather well how to drive in fast-moving gridlock through the city of St. Louis. Then take a trip to Kansas City. It's a bigger city, and the highways are less straight. About the same traffic. But no road rage whatsoever. Vehicles drive in the correct lane. In Kansas City, I am the asshole driving too fast like a fucking maniac, and people move over several lanes to avoid me. I love it. I never get caught in traffic in Kansas City, because people STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

This rant, however, is directed moreso at the asshole drivers in St. Charles and in St. Louis County. At any given place there are 3-5 lanes of traffic, and very few cars, unless it's rush hour. But NOBODY drives in the right lane!!!! This is soooo frustrating, because the slowest traffic is either in the middle or left lane. This causes congestion, PEOPLE!!! You know what? the FAR LEFT LANE is for PASSING!!!! NOT FOR DRIVING!!!! IF YOU ARE NOT MOVING FASTER THAN THE VEHICLE TO YOUR IMMEDIATE RIGHT, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG GODDAMNED LANE.

This really irks me, as I have the "privelege" of driving on I-270 and 370 daily through light traffic, and DAILY I am caught behind some slow fuck in the middle lane. I'll try to pass on the left (legally!), and get caught behind some ass-clown driving just SLIGHTLY ahead of the slow fucker I'm passing, but at the same speed. So now I either have to slow the fuck down and cut 2 lanes to the RIGHT and pass BOTH OF THEIR SLOW ASSES illegally, or sit there all boxed in, tailgating the cock knocker in front of me while swerving, flashing my headlights, and honking, hoping he'll get the picture. Invariably, he doesn't. And as fun as that display may sound, it isn't.

So if you must drive in the County, resign yourself to being frustrated, or know going into it that the RIGHT LANE is the fastest moving lane, despite what you may believe.

Vampire Story

2004-08-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't played the Vampire RPG in a long time. I'm guessing 2 years or so. Last night, some of us got together to play a little Vampire, and all in all we had a good time. It was an experimental version of the game, a one-shot story. It went over well, and so I think now we're going to make a monthly occurrence of the game.

Here's how the story went:

The four characters were called to meet with a city official. The official was acting very strange, and there was an air of tension within the city already due to rumors that two important figures were going to be killed off soon, and nobody kniew who the triggerman was going to be. The characters were playing the role of the peacekeepers of the city, who usually got called in to do the dirty work.

When they met with the city official, the story got underway. They soon discovered that the official was actually the would-be triggerman, and he wanted to dispose of the troupe for the night so he could do his dirty work. So he trapped them in an alternate reality, casting them into a swirling vortex.

On the other end of the vortex, they landed in a forest on a beaten path beneath the full moon. They followed the path and came across a boarded up cottage. A mysterious woman inside the cottage entranced the men of the troupe and attempted to seduce them, while her four demonic imps tried to kill off the women of the troupe. Yes, it was a twisted version of Snow White and thee Seven Dwarves.

Upon escaping the cottage, they continued up the path, meeting up with a large white house. Inside was a sick version of the Evil Queen from the same story. Upon confronting the Magic Mirror, they were cast through the vortex again, landing in the same place they started on the path in the forest.

This time when they got to where the Snow White cottage was, there was a covered bridge. On the other side of the bridge was a stone wall. They hopped over the wall and travelled up the path to a huge tower. The only way to enter was to climb up the tower wall using a rope made of human hair. A sick version of Rapunzel led them to another vortex, placing them back in the forest.

Midway up the path this time, the troupe was met by a little girl in a red hood. And the big bad wolf was a werewolf. They found a vortex in Grandma's house, and landed back in the city where they started the night, about an hour before sunrise.

A sick and demented version of Grimm's Fairy Tales entertained a bunch of adults for a night. Now I gotta think up something else for next time.

The winds have changed directions again

2004-07-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

One thing I love about the corporate lifestyle, and the politics and power games that go on all the time, is this: the only constant is change. I was fuming when I put up my last post. The next day the Operations Manager was probing me for information on Toni, and expressing that her stay is up. There will probably be a big important meeting this week. Additionally, he expressed his support for promoting me to Toni's job, and gave me an outline of what I need to do to get there. I vented to him a little about the bullshit that Toni pulls on a regular basis that he doesn't see, and he encouraged me to just stay the course, operate from a position of the company's best interest, and the rest will work itself out.

Ok, I feel better. Nice to know that those in power haven't fallen asleep at the wheel. My, how I love chaos.

Fare thee well, Ellie

2004-07-16T17:45:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite people to work with quit yesterday. Ellie
decided she'd had enough. And to her credit, she did a great job
as a Unit Manager. We didn't always see eye to eye, but we
understood each other, and at the end of the day we were always
friends.

Toni STILL hasn't been fired. I don't know what's taking so
long. It's a done deal. A formality. But with Ellie
being gone, we're short another manager, so firing one now wouldn't
make sense. I, on the other hand, am going to start shooting my
resume out again. I'm tired of being patient. Either
promote me or let me leave. I'm not gonna just sit here and
rot.

And in other news, Ryan's out of town. He's off to Ohio then
Montana. His trip happened to correspond with the dates I was
returning from mine. So the internet has been pretty quiet
lately. Yawn.

Also, I still talk to Pete inconsistently. Nothing new,
really. That's how it was when he was here. Now he's in LA,
so I just notice it a little more. I'm gonna give him a call
tonight. Haven't talked to him in a couple weeks, and today's his
birthday.

Louisiana

2004-07-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

I made it back from the deep south. It was a great trip. Got to finally meet my online pen pal of something like 13 or 14 years. We enjoyed some wine, some good food (the pan-fried naan was delicious, and I swear I have NEVER seen shrimp on pizza before), New Orleans, and good conversation. Mary's all set to take off for NYU in New York this fall, and she's all mushy-gushy in love with her new beau David.

While in New Orleans, we hit a Concrete Blonde concert at the world-famous House of Blues. Nice venue. Reminded me a lot of Mississippi Nights on the Landing in St. Louis. The opening band was nothing to write home about, but Johnette Napolitano fucking wails. Her voice is absolutely amazing, and she plays with such heart and emotion that you can't help but to be drawn in. The show ended abruptly with an emotional outburst by Napolitano about 20 minutes before the show was scheduled to end during a song called "Caroline." We overheard some conversation among a groupie and also bumped into a couple others at another nightspot after the show, and pretty much have come to the conclusion from what we gathered that Napolitano has a few songs that are so emotional for her that it is difficult for her to perform them. "Caroline" is one of them.

So now I'm obsessed with that song, and the other few that seem to be on the emotional hit-list for Napolitano. An acoustic version of "Joey" seems to confirm that she still feels a lot of pain when she sings certain songs. I owe a huge thank-you to Mary for reintroducing me to Concrete Blonde.

The end result of this trip is that I seem to have caught the travel bug all over again. I've been EXTREMELY limited in my travel after I quit working for VSA. This was primarily because I had travelled so much for work purposes that I was burnt out on it. This was the longest trip I'd actually driven to date, and I did it by myself. Reminded me how much I enjoy being alone in a car headed to some far-off destination. I got to see some new places and hit two more states that I'd never visited before. I also realized how privileged I am to live along highways with so much scenery. Illinois and Kansas are flat. Mississippi is flat with trees on both sides of the highway so you can't see shit. Missouri, however, is full of hills, trees, road cuts, rivers, valleys, twists and turns. The most beautiful part of my trip was between Cape Girardeau and Jefferson County.

So anyway, I'm gonna get outta here for now. Later, all!

Road Trip

2004-07-08T04:33:00.000-07:00

Finally, after something like 14 years of online chatting, my ass is headed to Louisiana to meet Mary. I'm heading out early friday morning for the 10 hour drive. Yay!

Really, I'm excited, but it's only 6:30 am right now, i haven't had my coffee yet, and I can barely remember my own name, much less express a coherent thought.

Ok, I'll shut up now. More to follow, I'm sure.

Corporate Pyramid

2004-07-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so much has happened at work in such a short time that I won't be able to adequately make this an ongoing series as such. So here's the short version of the WHOLE story...

A long time ago, in a cubicle far far away a partnership was forced into existence by the Corporation. Everyone involved had an alterior motive. Those who made the decision to create the partnership wanted to coerce one part of the partnership to abandon her post, while stimulating a stress reaction to the second part of the partnership to see how he responded to pressure. Male vs Female. Good vs. Evil. Climb the corporate ladder at all costs. Become filthy rich or become unemployed.

The first month was cordial. The second was cold and distant. The third month saw the seeds planted for a bloody civil war. It was during the fourth month that swords crossed, egos were crushed, gods were created, and it was revealed to the Corporation that they were no longer in control of their game.

Woman instigated war publicly. Man responded quietly and politically. Within 3 days of Man's first strike. Woman was put on 30 day probation by the Corporation. Woman retreated temporarily, but again underestimated Man. This time she sought to destroy hm by attacking his allies rather than attacking him personally. The counterattack for this barrage resulted in Woman being placed on administrative leave.

The Corporation was content. They got to see a fast and thorough struggle of power, and the fate of Woman had been sealed without the Corporation wearing any blood on their own hands. Man had demonstrated that not only did he posess power, but knew how to weild it.

The Corporation now had to know that they could contain Man before they could promote him. Make sure that he was a Company Man. The Corporation planted a mole to see how far up the Corporation's skirt Man's hand reached. The Corporation did not like what it learned. It disliked the result so thoroughly that it was impotent to respond. The mole ratted out the Corporation. The common employee has aligned with Man, and is loyal to the Corporation only as long as Man is loyal. Under Man, they will forge forward into record territory expanding revenue beyond anticipation. Leaders will be noticed, created, and developed. Man's power, if unchecked, will spread.

So, I Man say to the Corporation: I have served you faithfully. I have tolerated your experiments to determine my aptitudes and loyalties. I will continue to serve. But if you fuck with me again I will bring you to your knees in ways you still cannot comprehend.

Blow

2004-06-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

It's another lazy weekend. Taking advantage of a full weekend off work as I head into the week of closeout when I'll be begging for a 5 minute break or an extra hour of sleep.

I watched a movie today. Ever since Johnny Depp started doing darker flicks, I've come to appreciate him as an actor a lot more. From Hell and The Ninth Gate got me interested. Today I watched Blow. IT was a good movie, but here's my favorite part:

It was laid out from the point of view of a criminal after his career, as he laid his whole story out. The whole thing was narrated from the first person. It was a criminal on the run strung out on cocaine. So much of the film was a parallel in story and style to another favorite film, Goodfellas. And the kicker? The main character from that flick is Ray Liotta, who plays Depps father in Blow. And the icing on the cake? Ray Liotta's character is the only character in the movie who tries to be a mentor and isn't judgemental. Could it be that Ray is patching the torch in a sense?

Tampay Bay Wins Lord Stanley's Cup

2004-06-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

The headline says it all. So I'll just humbly say... I TOLD YOU SO!!!

Calgary vs. Tampa Bay, Game 5

2004-06-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

Calgary wins again in overtime. What can I say. They worked damn hard three out of four periods. Tampa Bay did not. The defense left the goalie out to dry. I'm afraid that by losing this one at home, they may be through.

Coffee is my friend

2004-06-03T08:14:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Grunt. Must... have... caffeine.

I am SO not a morning person. The extent of my vocabulary is in the same neigborhood as "HULK SMASH!!!" except I'm too lazy to actually smash anything.

Ok, I have nothing coherent or articulate to say now. Moving right along...

A Personality Quiz.... Take it yourself and post your results in comments. Or Don't. I don't care.

2004-05-31T23:52:00.000-07:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Tampa Bay Wins!

2004-05-31T20:37:00.000-07:00

I feel somewhat redeemed after watching tonight's hockey game. Like Ryan, I don't have a strong preference for who wins, just as long as it's a good series. Both teams are deserving and highly skilled. That being said, I predicted early that Tampa Bay would win the whole thing, and I'm sticking to it.

My reason for making such a claim was that, in general, the Western Conference consists more of grinders, dump-and-chase, and a more tactical game. Lots of hard checking, less disciplined play. Not many teams with a lot of good speed that rely entirely on the speed they posess and strong discipline in regards to restraint and bad penalties. In short, they wouldn't be ready or disciplined enough to play against such a fast team that forces penalties well and holds to a strong game plan from start to finish such as Tampa Bay.

The Calgary Flames simply didn't have enough experience playing the kind of hockey that they were going to be playing against Tampa Bay.

So they proved me wrong early on. They have handled Tampa Bay very well up until tonight. Now I can gloat a little. Calgary started out playing the kind of hockey that is prominent in the Western Conference, and they took two poorly timed penalties in the first period, giving the Lightning a 2-man advantage. A good team like the Lightning will always score on such an advantage, and they did. Calgary pulled it together for the most part, and played an agressive third period, but again a lack of restraint was the nail in the coffin. A 5-mimute major for checking a man from behind HEAD FIRST into the glass pretty much ensured that Calgary wouldn't be able to put together a good attack in the final minutes of the game.

The series is now tied 2-2 with the next game scheduled to be played in Tampa Bay.

On a side note, something else about the game made me laugh. One of the broadcasters interviewed the father of Jarome Iginla. They asked him to comment on the attention his son was now receiving. He dodged the question by answering that he was proud of his son as a follower of Jesus. Moving ahead, I'm a lip-reader. Selective hearing loss has made me reasonably good at it. You got any guess how many times Iginla said "FUCK" out on the ice while the camera was on him tonight? I'm guessing it's just a few more times than his father would care to discuss in front of the camera.

Pete, you shoulda been here!

2004-05-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

My plans for getting out of the house were postponed by a bit of severe weather. How severe? How about two converging tornadic fronts meeting less than a mile from here! Pete and I have a good tornado story from several years ago. The short version is that we were moving some rolls of chainlink fencing from one house to another when we got caught in a vicious storm producing several funnel clouds. Looking back, I still don't know exactly how we were able to throw those rolls of fencing into the garage as we did, but it was a sight to behold.

So here I was, stuck at the apartment, wanting to leave, and as i went to open the door, I hear the tornado sirens. So I'm a little oblivious. Sky was pretty dark. So I figured I should wait it out. I surfed over to http://www.weather.com and saw that we were under a tornado warning. The next thought through my mind was the fascination with finding my news on the internet before the radio or television. Not something to be thinking about during a tornado, but you gotta admit, we live in a digital age and not a one of us does things like the last generation anymore.

It was obvious that the weather was shitty, so I decided to power down the computer. I turned on the TV to watch the weather on the news while Windows took its sweet time shutting down. So I got into typical survival mode. A chance that the power would be going out, given all the lightning outside. I started lighting candles just in case the lights went out before I could get all that I needed. Took the clock radio into the bathroom along with some candles, books of matches, and a book to read, in case I was in there a while. Got the cell phone. Closed the bedroom door in case the window got blown out. I was ready. Then the power started to blink in and out. Tornado time. So I cracked the glass door to keep the air pressure inside the same as outside. Didn't want windows blowing out. Then I blew out the candles and got ready to barricade myself in the bathroom at a moment's notice. Parked my ass in front of the TV and watched the weather. Kinda like a train wreck... can't help but to watch.

The rain was coming down damn near horizontal. The cars on the highway looked more like boats. Tree limbs were laying in the roadway. Rednecks described to anchormen exactly what the wind sounded like. But no tornado yet in Hazelwood, so I'll be damned if I'm gonna go sit my ass in the bathroom until I absolutely must.

The storm blew over. The rain quit. The sirens stopped. But I live on the west end of St. Louis. The viewing area extended way out east into Illinois, where family lives, and where Ramsey State Park is.

Ramsay State Park is where Pete and Ryan and myself have gone camping in the past. It's very nice out there. Last time we went, we watched rednecks get their Mustang 5.0 get stuck in the mud, and it took them several hours to get it out. Dumbasses. I bring up Ramsey simply because, I had contemplated going out there this weekend. Not like full-blown plans on going or anything, but more like a passing thought. An interest. It was a rough month at work, and I don't have my daughter this weekend. But instead I opted to volunteer to work Saturday. I stayed home.

Good thing, too. Ramsey got the shit kicked out of it when that storm hit. I've been camping in some less-than-favorable weather situations before. It's always more fun that way, actually. What's the point of "roughing it" if there isn't a legitimate chance someone could actually end up dead? And the park rangers there would have surely gone down the list of stupid people who have camped there in the oddest of weather. Last time we were there, we were the only ones in the park. The park was flooded out except for one or two places. When we checked in with the rangers, they said something to the effect of "I didn't think anyone was out here! Place is flooded!" Then they so fondly shared the story about a few boneheads who camped out the night before a snowstorm blew through. Again, they were the only ones in the park. The rangers found them the day after the storm drinking hot chocolate in a fort that would have made the Army Corps of Engineers proud. Incidentally, those boneheads were us. Seems that all the good stories from Ramsey are associated with us and the weather. Ahem. Anyway, yeah... the news said that multiple tornados touched down there today.

I can't imagine hanging out in the tent while a 70 mph wind ripped through the park and funnel clouds came ripping out of the sky. Holiday weekend. I bet the place was packed.

So, Pete... too bad you moved your ass out to LA. If you'd been in town, it would have been a good weekend to go camping. We'd certainly have a lot of stories to tell after we got back. And the park rangers would just say "hell, these tornados in the area... we didn't think anyone else was out here! Reminds me of this time these two guys camped out right after a rainstorm. Whole damn park was flooded..."

The Untouchables

2004-05-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching The Untouchables. For a "classic," it sure sucked balls. Could the script and the soundtrack have been any weaker? Good story, but crappy acting from both Kevin Costner and, dare I say it, Sean Connery. The bright spot had to be Robert DeNiro as Al Capone.

So yeah, I'm taking it easy this weekend. Being a bum. Closeout is tiring. And it's raining out. Yawn. If it wasn't for caffeine, I'd be a complete corpse.

I'm starting to smell like a bum who's lounged around the house all weekend, so I think I'll shit, shower, and shave (yes, all three, and in that order), and go do sometihng. Get out for a bit. Yawn. Or maybe take a nap.

It's working!

2004-05-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

Finally got this beast up and running. So what's new? Hockey playoffs are underway, and looks like Calgary just whooped Tampa Bay. I'll get no end of grief over this from Ryan, as i told him that Calgary was no match for Tampa Bay's speed. Boy, was i wrong.

Survived another Closeout at work. Pretty much means I'll be sleeping all damn weekend. And it's Memorial Day weekend. Being that sunlight is evil, my happy ass will be endeavoring to sleep and achieve all new levels of geekiness. Maybe I'll make a new spreadsheet.